A little slice of happiness...

...for you to see.

Journal Entry

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I've been thinking a lot about thinking. I go through my day: I laugh, I listen, I smile, I see, I feel. All the while, my brain is buzzing away, sending message after message to my body, thinking thought after thought. I notice the sunset glowing gold and my eyes soak it in, and I think of how grateful I am to live in this wondrous world. A moth flits by my face as when I walk under a lamppost at night, and I absentmindedly brush it away. I walk to the parking lot and pick up a piece of paper to throw away at the next available garbage can, and once disposed of I forget about it completely. I think about Anthropology and the Sapir-Whorf theory, and how I want to learn more languages to broaden my perception of reality. I think about Tom, life, and what I'm doing here on Earth. I think a million thoughts everyday, and yet...I don't think. Things blur through my mind so fast that there's no way I could record every thought, every half a thought, every little tangent and side note my brain thinks up.

I think: "You wrote an 'f' instead of an 'l.' Fix that. Keep writing or you'll forget what you were going to say. Don't pay attention to the person walking by with the jangling keys, the class going on in the room around the corner, the couple walking by that obviously like each other but aren't holding hands. Remember to practice your songs for at least 15 minutes today! Sheesh. The choir members must really be getting sick of me texting that to them all the time."

It's amazing that when you just stop and notice, you realize how much your body SEES, HEARS, FEELS, SMELLS, TASTES, UNDERSTANDS, COMPREHENDS, PROCESSES, SENSES, and KNOWS.

"Your glasses are slipping down your nose. Adjust them. Your throat's feeling parched. Take a sip of water. Someone texted you a little while ago, you should reply. Do you think you should go on a mission? Remember you have Munch and Mingle on Sunday. Heather's white bean chili recipe you tried out worked well, that would be something good to make for the ward. Fix your glasses again. You really need to get them adjusted at Costco. Hold your breath! The girl that's passing by is coughing. You don't want to get sick. Why are you remarking about all these pointless things and writing them down anyway?"

WHEW!

I've found that it's hard for me to think clearly unless I write my thoughts down. Then I feel like my thoughts are concrete--not up in the air with the other 999,999 thoughts I think of in a day. It's on paper. I can go back and reflect on what I thought and see if my perspectives has changed or if it has stayed the same.

So live. Think. Write. Go about your day. But don't just go through the motions. Really live. Really think. Really write. Treasure each moment. Each experience. Each opportunity to learn. Make time to live. Make time to think. Make time to write. Make time to go about your day so you aren't rushing, hurrying, and missing everything and everyone that comes your way. I need to work on these things. Badly.

Go live. Go think. Go write. And go about your day. But don't let things pass you by. Care about everyone you meet, care about everything you do, and take care of everything you have. Don't let your life pass you by.

"The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder--a waif, a nothing, a no man. Have a purpose in life, and, having it, throw such strength of mind and muscle into your work as God has given you."
-Thomas Carlyle

. . . . . . .

Life is good.

Love,
Me

Today I am grateful for: The chance I have to go to school and learn about life.

Journal Entry

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

"I'm soooooooo sore, Dad! Gym killed me today!"
"Good! At least you know you're alive, right?"

Yes. I'm alive.

My life goes on in endless song above Earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife I hear that music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

Sadness. Anger. Sorrow. Disappointment. Guilt. Grief. Despair.

Joy! Gladness! Light! Radiance! Contentment! Peace! Charity!

LOVE.

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE!

LOVE!

How wonderful life is! I walked today in the frigid cold, grateful that the sun had melted the feeble snowflakes that had blustered by earlier this morning. The scent of crisp leaves filled the air, and in my mind I could smell the gentle burning of pumpkins--one of my favorite scents in the world. Something was different, and it took me a second to realize what it was. I heard a bird chirping. Then it stopped.

Walking a little lighter on my toes as to lessen the crunch of the leaves I tread on, I strained my ears to hear the bird again. I stepped on the crackling leaves towards my car to put my guitar away, grateful when I walked in the warm (but quickly fading) sun rays, scurrying through the shadows of the trees and buildings in order to walk again through more rays I saw further ahead.

I thought of what I'd learned in school: about the Travis guitar pick, about language, more about how humans develop, how babies develop, more about good parenting skills I should have in the future, when I have kids...babies...my kids...my future family....

I want to have a family. My own family.

Not this second, mind you. But I can't wait until I have a husband--one who will coo at our newborn babies, one who will wrestle with our rambunctious children, one who will put up with my teasing and lame jokes, one who will hold me close and will remind me that everything will be alright...

There. There! I heard the bird again. There's more than one! Why haven't they flown south yet? It's freezing. My ears are cold so I pull up my coat hood. I'm grateful for those birds that have lingered. I revel in their song. One flies from the top of the Student Center and crosses my path over to an orange-painted tree to my right. A beautiful sight. I wonder what the future holds for that small bird. Where will it go when it heads south for the winter? Or will it get stuck in a storm and never make it? Best wishes and best of luck for the bird.

What does my future hold?

"Are you cold?" A little startled, I turn around and see a gal from my guitar class.
"Yes, so much!" We chat for a little and I pick up my pace to catch up with her longer legs. She was headed to her yoga class, and asked if i was headed home. "No, I'm going to mission prep."
"Oh, are you going on a mission?"
"I'm planning on it. Well, I'm not sure. I don't know what will happen. But I guess it's good to be prepared anyway, right?" Right? She left, quickening her pace even more.

What is my purpose in life? What is my mission? What does the Lord have in store for me?

I long to have a family. I long to look into the eyes of my husband and know he is mine forever. I long to feel life stir inside of me, to hold my babies in my arms, to cook and clean and wash clothes and tease and drive around for my family. I long to sing my children to sleep, to play in the mud with them, to teach my girls how to crochet, to dance with my sons, to bandage all of their scrapes, and wipe their noses.

I also desire to serve the Lord. I desire to sing to His children and bear testimony of the truth, to speak to them and tell them what I know is true. I desire to see the change that comes over people when they finally understand, when they finally recognize the truth, when they finally are converted to the Lord.

What should I do?

For now, I'll keep breathing. I'll keep living. I'll keep smelling the pumpkins burn, I'll keep yearning for the bird's song. With each sunrise and each sunset I'll do my best. I'll keep driving myself to work harder, to study more, to really push myself in aerobics class. I know the latter one will make me sore, but it will also make me stronger. Life is and will be tough, but I'm pushing through as best as I can. And it'll make me stronger. In the end, I'll be able to see the results I've been wanting. In the end, it'll all have been worth the struggle.

Love,
Jewel Midori Wakamatsu

Today I am grateful for: the Travis guitar pick. Thank you, Mr. Travis, for your wonderful finger-picking pattern. I thoroughly enjoy it.

Has the day of miracles ceased?

No! Miracles can and do still happen. Just keep hoping. Just keep believing.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

- Joseph B. Wirthlin

Letter to Heaven

Dear Tom,

I just wanted to give you a little hello! I hope the missionary work with your bro is going great. I'm sure you are loving every minute of the work that you're doing.

I wanted to thank you for your amazing example, your kind friendship, and the many laughs we shared. Here are a few memories that have stayed with me off the top of my head and remembered from reading my old journals:

• Sitting in front of you in band at CVJH. I greatly admired your French horn skills, especially since the French horn is an instrument I've always wanted to play. I loved your wisecrack remarks about Mr. Halversen's lame jokes.
• Sitting next to you in Bro. Renstrom's class. I can't begin to count how many times we laughed at the randomness of that fellow, how many times we struggled not to laugh out loud at the randomness of that fellow, and how many times we tried to stay awake in class when that fellow turned the lights down for his Power Point presentations. But you always made Seminary "pretty honking fun." I missed you when you didn't come.
  
• An example of the randomocracy of Brother Renstrom's class (when he would be teaching and all of a sudden start talking to people in the class), straight from the journal: "[Today] Bro. Renstrom was kinda weird. He said, 'Tom, do you like sitting by Jewel?' He said, 'Sure.' Bro. Renstrom said, 'Well Jewel, you can put him down on your list of possible future dates. He gave a good answer. You are 16, aren't you Tom?' 'No.' I said, 'Neither am I,' but I don't think he heard me 'cause he said, 'Well, you can cross him off your list then!' What a weird conversation!"
  
• Asking you to Sadies in 2005 (I apparently didn't cross you off my list of possible future dates like Bro. Renstrom told me to!). I dropped off a shirt with my name in permanent marker and other letters jumbled around in washable marker at your door. I was a bit nervous to do so, especially since you have a clear window running down the side of your door. As I was about to ring the doorbell and run, BAM! Through the window I saw you jump from the top of the stairs down to the bottom of the stairs, and walk on right past the door. Boy, did you give me a scare! I waited a minute, rang, and fled. After I was done being scared and could laugh about it, I was very impressed with your jumping skills.
• You coming to my door with a bag of those chocolate gold coins, telling me you would go to Sadies with me. You also said you would have answered me back in a much cooler way: by writing "YES" in gasoline on my porch and lighting it on fire...but then you remembered my dad was a cop. Good call, good call. :)
  
• Going to Sadies with you! So fun!

(You stole Jeff's hat for this picture, remember? Ha ha!)

• Hearing of when you failed your road test with Mr. Downs and sharing that sadness and disappointment with you. He's a crazy old man, anyway. ;)
  
• Seeing your signature smile, head nod, and small little wave in the halls. You always waved when we passed--you didn't think you were too cool for me to breeze on by pretending you didn't see me. Thanks for that!
• The cool, fancy little flippy-twirl thing you did with your pen in your fingers. I remember watching you do it over and over, and I could never figure it out! I made up my own little pen twirl, but it wasn't even a smidgen as cool as yours.
• Your kindness, your goodness, your rambunctiousness, your craziness!
  

• Baking banana bread and taking it over to your house with Heather. You plopped right down on the porch and started munching away on it, and we sat down and chatted for a bit. I desperately hoped it wasn't too dry...I made it when I was a novice at making bread! If it was gross, I appreciate your kindness at saying it tasted good!
• Playing "spies." If I recall correctly, you were the only guy there at Julia's apartment that freezing and wet night. We wanted to be able to contact the members on our team as we ran around the neighborhood, so we all swapped numbers. You got about five girls' numbers that night, and you declared, "This is the best night of my life!"
  
• When you came to the tumbling gym for my birthday party. You could do amazing flips! I was too scared to try out the flips you showed me. I admired your fearlessness and daring.
• I admired you for your courage, strength, and bravery, in every aspect of your life and in every trial you faced. I'm so glad you were voted Most Inspirational Senior, for you were most inspirational to us all.
  

And now, Tom, I must wait for a while until I see you again. I won't forget you. We're singing a song in choir called, "Simple Gifts." I think of you every time we sing it. Perhaps if you're not too busy, you can come listen to us sing. I bet you already know the song anyway. Perhaps you could sing with us too, then the song would truly be angelic, and more lives would be touched through it.

Thank you for touching my life, Tom. Your spirit is truly great and noble one.

'Til we meet again, forever your friend--

Love,
Jewel

http://www.lorenz.com/Med/Sample/10_3791L.mp3

(Click this link to hear the song)

Simple Praise

For a canvas of colors, for a concert of sound;
for the unfolding seasons, the earth spinning round.
For the birth of each sunrise, for the sky set ablaze;
for these simple gifts, we give simple praise.

Simple praise for the Giver, and thanks to the One
who has given us breath and given His Son.
To the Giver of blessings for all of our days,
for these simple gifts, we give simple praise.

For the love of a mother, for the touch of a hand;
for the deeper emotions we can't understand.
For the lessons we learn from the trials we face;
for these simple gifts, we give simple praise.

The heart of the Giver, the hand of the One
from whom every blessing of living has come;
for measureless mercy and limitless grace,
for these simple gifts we give simple praise.

For a canvas of colors, for a concert of sound;
for the unfolding seasons, the earth spinning round.
For the birth of each sunrise, for the sky set ablaze;
for these simple gifts, we give simple praise.

Simple praise for the Giver, and thanks to the One
who has given us breath and given His Son.
To the Giver of blessings for all of our days,
for these simple gifts, we give simple praise;
for these simple gifts, we give simple praise.

If you need a lift today...

...watch this! Happiness truly is contagious!

Stay for Dinner!

When all the family (especially all the nephews) gang up on you to make you stay longer and play, this is what happens:

Note: Daniel did indeed end up staying for dinner! :)

Reflections

Last month I was so blessed to have had the opportunity to participate in the Hill Cumorah Pageant and be a member in the cast! Not a day goes by when I don't think about the experiences I had, the miracles I witnessed, or the wonderful friends I made while there. Here are a few memories I have of Pageant.

HOBART COLLEGE: PLACE OF LODGING AND MUCH EATING

• Early morning treks from the Hobart dorms across the huge dewy lawns to the cafeteria to get breakfast/brunch, an abundance of grass clippings that got stuck all over your feet, feeling your legs burn from the brisk pace you're going at so you can get food and hike back up the steady slope of the lawn back to get to the bus on time.
  
• Soft serve ice cream for breakfast/brunch!
• Tripping over the lump in our dorm room floor every time I crossed the room (my two other roommates found this extremely amusing, as they never tripped over it).
• Playing volleyball, frisbee, human checkers, karaoke, and finger painting during Hobart Days!

• Bug-infested showers--you most certainly not be missed.
• Making my bed (which was about three feet off the ground) in my skirt, and in the process of finishing and leaping off my bed my skirt managed to catch hold of one of the posts and tear. Loudly. With much rippage. And much laughter ensued.
  
• LATE night (early morning, really) snacks and chats, journal writes, talks and laughing sessions with Kristen Erickson, group scripture study, plaiting Kristen's long golden locks.
• Ashlin's famous trip where she unknowingly lugged up a whole bag of clean sheets and towels up three flights, instead of just grabbing one set for herself from out of the bag.
  

• Getting locked out of our dorm room multiple times (there were only two keys for the three of us).
• Walking up and down three flights of stairs multiple times a day and night.
• Dancing to "Bye Bye Bye" with Primary actions at the Hobart talent show.

DEVOTIONALS: WHEN WE SANG, PRAYED, LAUGHED, AND LEARNED MUCH GOOD STUFF

• Singing with a choir made up of about 800+ people in the study shelter. (Whoa! What a sound!)
• Bearing my testimony through singing a solo in front of an audience made up of about 800+ people during a devotional.
• Bundling up in sweaters and blankets when starting devotionals in the crisp morning shade
  of the study shelter.
• Fighting hard to stay awake during some talks.
• Looking around and seeing everyone else fighting hard to stay awake--many lost in this battle.

• Feeling the Spirit.
• Looking at the little Nephite and Lamanite people the Primary kids made and deciding which ones represented us (I am the one with the brown shirt and green skirt, third one from the right of the picture).

THE 2009 HILL CUMORAH PAGEANT: WHAT WE CAME HERE FOR

• Our cast team, S7, made up of 20-year old ladies and recently returned 21-year old missionaries. We had many an adventure together including playing a variety of hilarious games, geocaching, hiking the Hill together multiple times, scrambling to figure out what to do, and stealing quick naps when we could.
  
• The Great Eight: My main group of friends from Pageant, all in S7. They're all so wonderful! I miss them all so much. (Back row L to R: Josh, Ashlin, Zach, Heather, Mike. Front Row: Heather, Alayna, Me.)

• Getting the amazing opportunity of doing missionary work and greeting and teaching the audience. Countless miracles occurred. The Lord's hand truly was everywhere in everything!
• Meeting these Ukrainian and German couples. One couple lives in Rochester, the other was visiting them from Ukraine. It was incredible how we were led to meet them, talk to them, have them open up to us after Mike started speaking Russian with them, really teach them, and get to know them. Great, great people! (L to R: Bohdan, Roma, Mirko, Irma.)
  

• Performing the show! This was my absolute favorite scene: the Descension Scene where Christ comes to visit the Americas. To play the role of someone from the Book of Mormon times that was there when Christ came, to kneel as if I were kneeling at His feet, to feel wonder and awe and complete joy as if He were there performing miracles and speaking to us, and to feel the longing for Him to stay as He ascended back to Heaven is . . . indescribable.

(This is the Destruction Scene where I died. I jumped off one stage and landed on a lower one right as this great blasting fireball and several water cannons went off. I came back alive for the Descension Scene right after though!)

• My parents coming to see me! It was so good having them there and knowing they could experience and feel some of the experiences and feelings that I had during Pageant.
  

• Going to downtown Palmyra, the Hill Cumorah Visitor's Center, the Grandin Building (printing shop where the Book of Mormon was first printed), the Smith Cabin and Frame House, walking in the Sacred Grove, and performing baptisms for the dead in the Palmyra Temple made for an abundance of reverence and spiritual uplifts.
  

RANDOM MEMORIES FROM THROUGHOUT PAGEANT

• Singing on the bus rides to and from the Hill and seeing the green green fields, trees, quaint houses, and farms with big red barns pass by.

• Standing in the huge dinner line and talking, listening to Brian Reagan impersonations, or playing games with friends.
• Hearing Josh speak in African Click, Mike speaking/barking Russian, and teaching Alayna how to say anyang haseo.
• Michelle's priceless facial expressions, Ashlin's Canadian words, and Heather introducing us to all the friends she had made.
  
• Chillaxin' at the cast team tent and doing projects, having devotionals, role-playing, playing games, having daddy long legs crawl all over you, reading scriptures, napping, and talking.

• Setting up, wiping down (with Bobby), and putting away about 9,000 chairs.
• Picking up garbage in the parking lot for a service project.
  

• French braiding Heather's, Ashlin's, and Michelle's, and sometimes my own hair for the shows so we could wear our wigs.
• The delightfully horrendous (and embarrasing) little "gems" they put on our Lamanite Dancer costumes...THANKFULLY they took them off and sewed them in different spots after a few nights of the show! (I'm so grateful I didn't have pink gems like some of the other dancers...)
  

• The Chill and Grill and their GIANT ice cream cones and yummy food!
• Alayna opening up her mission call on top of the Hill! South Korea West! Wooooo!

• Zach and Mike provoking me to laugh so hard I couldn't breathe with the sickness I had caught. (I seriously sounded like a raspy, old, one-lunged man who had asthma when I laughed.)
  
• Swapping sweaters with Zach and comparing shoe sizes.
  

• Bibbity Bop Bop Bop, the Tic-Tac-Toe Hand Game (Iwinyoulosenowyougetabigbruise!), Ninja, and Ooga Booga.
• The Skittle Game (a lovely game that involves stuffing your mouth with Skittles, drool, frantically trying to chew a mass of solid sugar as fast as you can, and having the sensation that your teeth are going to rot out).

• Playing "Shark" (where you sit in a circle holding a parachute over your straight legs, shaking it to make ripples with it so you can't see what's going on under the parachute, two "sharks" try to pull you under and turn you into a shark, and two "lifeguards" try to save you from being pulled under) in the rain. The rain made the grass slippery, making for easy shark attacks. There were many a sudden disappearance of people who didn't even get a chance to scream. SO FUN!
• A fortune from a fortune cookie: "As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point your way."
  
• Redlight bathrooms, creepy yet cool. Now I know what I looked like in the Photo class blackroom.
  

• Seeing a million chamber pots everywhere we went. For part of a service project, we dusted artifacts in a museum. One room was filled with tools that doctors used, and there were probably 20 different chamber pots on some shelves. (We didn't touch those or dust them out.)
• The Washroom! (Michelle and Ashlin are fully clothed, never fear!)
  
• Walking out of the washroom one day and seeing the guys just staring and watching us come out...HA!
  

• Stormy days with great downpours, bright lightning, blasting and rolling thunder, and rehearsing in the mud; sunny days where the weather was perfect; and days where it was blistering hot and then freezing cold once a cloud covered the sun.
• When your scruff is long enough to style with bobby pins, it's time to shave!
  

• Sign in the Hill Cumorah Visitor's Center: Baby Changing Station or Cook Your Food in a Pot On the Campstove?
  

• Bowling in downtown Palmyra. We kept our score by hand--they didn't have computers that kept track. Mr. Sheide would be proud!
  

• We were so sad to part, so sad that Pageant had come to an end! But the memories we have will last a lifetime and beyond.
  

THE SONG OF CUMORAH
Music by Crawford Gates
If you have felt a change in your heart
And sung the song of redeeming love,
Then come unto Jesus, our Savior,
Sin and death are swallowed up in Christ.
Jesus light and life of the world.
Jesus light and life of the world.
If you have felt the change in your heart,
And sung the song of redeeming love,
Then come unto Jesus our Savior:
Come,
Come unto Him!

*Special thanks to Alayna, Ashlin, Heather, Mike, and Jenny for the pictures they unknowingly helped provide for this post. And they will never know, unless they read this.*