Journal Entry

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

"I'm soooooooo sore, Dad! Gym killed me today!"
"Good! At least you know you're alive, right?"

Yes. I'm alive.

My life goes on in endless song above Earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife I hear that music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

Sadness. Anger. Sorrow. Disappointment. Guilt. Grief. Despair.

Joy! Gladness! Light! Radiance! Contentment! Peace! Charity!

LOVE.

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE!

LOVE!

How wonderful life is! I walked today in the frigid cold, grateful that the sun had melted the feeble snowflakes that had blustered by earlier this morning. The scent of crisp leaves filled the air, and in my mind I could smell the gentle burning of pumpkins--one of my favorite scents in the world. Something was different, and it took me a second to realize what it was. I heard a bird chirping. Then it stopped.

Walking a little lighter on my toes as to lessen the crunch of the leaves I tread on, I strained my ears to hear the bird again. I stepped on the crackling leaves towards my car to put my guitar away, grateful when I walked in the warm (but quickly fading) sun rays, scurrying through the shadows of the trees and buildings in order to walk again through more rays I saw further ahead.

I thought of what I'd learned in school: about the Travis guitar pick, about language, more about how humans develop, how babies develop, more about good parenting skills I should have in the future, when I have kids...babies...my kids...my future family....

I want to have a family. My own family.

Not this second, mind you. But I can't wait until I have a husband--one who will coo at our newborn babies, one who will wrestle with our rambunctious children, one who will put up with my teasing and lame jokes, one who will hold me close and will remind me that everything will be alright...

There. There! I heard the bird again. There's more than one! Why haven't they flown south yet? It's freezing. My ears are cold so I pull up my coat hood. I'm grateful for those birds that have lingered. I revel in their song. One flies from the top of the Student Center and crosses my path over to an orange-painted tree to my right. A beautiful sight. I wonder what the future holds for that small bird. Where will it go when it heads south for the winter? Or will it get stuck in a storm and never make it? Best wishes and best of luck for the bird.

What does my future hold?

"Are you cold?" A little startled, I turn around and see a gal from my guitar class.
"Yes, so much!" We chat for a little and I pick up my pace to catch up with her longer legs. She was headed to her yoga class, and asked if i was headed home. "No, I'm going to mission prep."
"Oh, are you going on a mission?"
"I'm planning on it. Well, I'm not sure. I don't know what will happen. But I guess it's good to be prepared anyway, right?" Right? She left, quickening her pace even more.

What is my purpose in life? What is my mission? What does the Lord have in store for me?

I long to have a family. I long to look into the eyes of my husband and know he is mine forever. I long to feel life stir inside of me, to hold my babies in my arms, to cook and clean and wash clothes and tease and drive around for my family. I long to sing my children to sleep, to play in the mud with them, to teach my girls how to crochet, to dance with my sons, to bandage all of their scrapes, and wipe their noses.

I also desire to serve the Lord. I desire to sing to His children and bear testimony of the truth, to speak to them and tell them what I know is true. I desire to see the change that comes over people when they finally understand, when they finally recognize the truth, when they finally are converted to the Lord.

What should I do?

For now, I'll keep breathing. I'll keep living. I'll keep smelling the pumpkins burn, I'll keep yearning for the bird's song. With each sunrise and each sunset I'll do my best. I'll keep driving myself to work harder, to study more, to really push myself in aerobics class. I know the latter one will make me sore, but it will also make me stronger. Life is and will be tough, but I'm pushing through as best as I can. And it'll make me stronger. In the end, I'll be able to see the results I've been wanting. In the end, it'll all have been worth the struggle.

Love,
Jewel Midori Wakamatsu

Today I am grateful for: the Travis guitar pick. Thank you, Mr. Travis, for your wonderful finger-picking pattern. I thoroughly enjoy it.