Journal Entry

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I've been thinking a lot about thinking. I go through my day: I laugh, I listen, I smile, I see, I feel. All the while, my brain is buzzing away, sending message after message to my body, thinking thought after thought. I notice the sunset glowing gold and my eyes soak it in, and I think of how grateful I am to live in this wondrous world. A moth flits by my face as when I walk under a lamppost at night, and I absentmindedly brush it away. I walk to the parking lot and pick up a piece of paper to throw away at the next available garbage can, and once disposed of I forget about it completely. I think about Anthropology and the Sapir-Whorf theory, and how I want to learn more languages to broaden my perception of reality. I think about Tom, life, and what I'm doing here on Earth. I think a million thoughts everyday, and yet...I don't think. Things blur through my mind so fast that there's no way I could record every thought, every half a thought, every little tangent and side note my brain thinks up.

I think: "You wrote an 'f' instead of an 'l.' Fix that. Keep writing or you'll forget what you were going to say. Don't pay attention to the person walking by with the jangling keys, the class going on in the room around the corner, the couple walking by that obviously like each other but aren't holding hands. Remember to practice your songs for at least 15 minutes today! Sheesh. The choir members must really be getting sick of me texting that to them all the time."

It's amazing that when you just stop and notice, you realize how much your body SEES, HEARS, FEELS, SMELLS, TASTES, UNDERSTANDS, COMPREHENDS, PROCESSES, SENSES, and KNOWS.

"Your glasses are slipping down your nose. Adjust them. Your throat's feeling parched. Take a sip of water. Someone texted you a little while ago, you should reply. Do you think you should go on a mission? Remember you have Munch and Mingle on Sunday. Heather's white bean chili recipe you tried out worked well, that would be something good to make for the ward. Fix your glasses again. You really need to get them adjusted at Costco. Hold your breath! The girl that's passing by is coughing. You don't want to get sick. Why are you remarking about all these pointless things and writing them down anyway?"

WHEW!

I've found that it's hard for me to think clearly unless I write my thoughts down. Then I feel like my thoughts are concrete--not up in the air with the other 999,999 thoughts I think of in a day. It's on paper. I can go back and reflect on what I thought and see if my perspectives has changed or if it has stayed the same.

So live. Think. Write. Go about your day. But don't just go through the motions. Really live. Really think. Really write. Treasure each moment. Each experience. Each opportunity to learn. Make time to live. Make time to think. Make time to write. Make time to go about your day so you aren't rushing, hurrying, and missing everything and everyone that comes your way. I need to work on these things. Badly.

Go live. Go think. Go write. And go about your day. But don't let things pass you by. Care about everyone you meet, care about everything you do, and take care of everything you have. Don't let your life pass you by.

"The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder--a waif, a nothing, a no man. Have a purpose in life, and, having it, throw such strength of mind and muscle into your work as God has given you."
-Thomas Carlyle

. . . . . . .

Life is good.

Love,
Me

Today I am grateful for: The chance I have to go to school and learn about life.

Journal Entry

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

"I'm soooooooo sore, Dad! Gym killed me today!"
"Good! At least you know you're alive, right?"

Yes. I'm alive.

My life goes on in endless song above Earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife I hear that music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul--

How can I keep from singing?

Sadness. Anger. Sorrow. Disappointment. Guilt. Grief. Despair.

Joy! Gladness! Light! Radiance! Contentment! Peace! Charity!

LOVE.

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE!

LOVE!

How wonderful life is! I walked today in the frigid cold, grateful that the sun had melted the feeble snowflakes that had blustered by earlier this morning. The scent of crisp leaves filled the air, and in my mind I could smell the gentle burning of pumpkins--one of my favorite scents in the world. Something was different, and it took me a second to realize what it was. I heard a bird chirping. Then it stopped.

Walking a little lighter on my toes as to lessen the crunch of the leaves I tread on, I strained my ears to hear the bird again. I stepped on the crackling leaves towards my car to put my guitar away, grateful when I walked in the warm (but quickly fading) sun rays, scurrying through the shadows of the trees and buildings in order to walk again through more rays I saw further ahead.

I thought of what I'd learned in school: about the Travis guitar pick, about language, more about how humans develop, how babies develop, more about good parenting skills I should have in the future, when I have kids...babies...my kids...my future family....

I want to have a family. My own family.

Not this second, mind you. But I can't wait until I have a husband--one who will coo at our newborn babies, one who will wrestle with our rambunctious children, one who will put up with my teasing and lame jokes, one who will hold me close and will remind me that everything will be alright...

There. There! I heard the bird again. There's more than one! Why haven't they flown south yet? It's freezing. My ears are cold so I pull up my coat hood. I'm grateful for those birds that have lingered. I revel in their song. One flies from the top of the Student Center and crosses my path over to an orange-painted tree to my right. A beautiful sight. I wonder what the future holds for that small bird. Where will it go when it heads south for the winter? Or will it get stuck in a storm and never make it? Best wishes and best of luck for the bird.

What does my future hold?

"Are you cold?" A little startled, I turn around and see a gal from my guitar class.
"Yes, so much!" We chat for a little and I pick up my pace to catch up with her longer legs. She was headed to her yoga class, and asked if i was headed home. "No, I'm going to mission prep."
"Oh, are you going on a mission?"
"I'm planning on it. Well, I'm not sure. I don't know what will happen. But I guess it's good to be prepared anyway, right?" Right? She left, quickening her pace even more.

What is my purpose in life? What is my mission? What does the Lord have in store for me?

I long to have a family. I long to look into the eyes of my husband and know he is mine forever. I long to feel life stir inside of me, to hold my babies in my arms, to cook and clean and wash clothes and tease and drive around for my family. I long to sing my children to sleep, to play in the mud with them, to teach my girls how to crochet, to dance with my sons, to bandage all of their scrapes, and wipe their noses.

I also desire to serve the Lord. I desire to sing to His children and bear testimony of the truth, to speak to them and tell them what I know is true. I desire to see the change that comes over people when they finally understand, when they finally recognize the truth, when they finally are converted to the Lord.

What should I do?

For now, I'll keep breathing. I'll keep living. I'll keep smelling the pumpkins burn, I'll keep yearning for the bird's song. With each sunrise and each sunset I'll do my best. I'll keep driving myself to work harder, to study more, to really push myself in aerobics class. I know the latter one will make me sore, but it will also make me stronger. Life is and will be tough, but I'm pushing through as best as I can. And it'll make me stronger. In the end, I'll be able to see the results I've been wanting. In the end, it'll all have been worth the struggle.

Love,
Jewel Midori Wakamatsu

Today I am grateful for: the Travis guitar pick. Thank you, Mr. Travis, for your wonderful finger-picking pattern. I thoroughly enjoy it.